Boundaries and Identifying Patterns

We often hear that we should look for patterns of behavior when determining how to respond in difficult relational situations. There is a difference between someone making an isolated mistake, someone struggling through something for a few months or years that affects their behavior, and someone consistently (or even intentionally) behaving in a way that hurts us.

But what actually constitutes a pattern of behavior?

A behavior pattern is a recurring way someone acts across interactions or situations. The frequency, duration, circumstances, and whether the behavior continues after it has been addressed can all help us understand what we’re observing.

We have been taught to look for patterns of negative behavior in others when they hurt or confuse us as a way to differentiate between an isolated mistake and a chronic issue. But how do we then know the appropriate response? And how can we make sure we aren’t viewing a person’s behavior as negative because of the hurt they have caused us?

Extending grace doesn’t mean ignoring patterns of harmful behavior, and establishing boundaries doesn’t mean either cutting someone off or condemning them as a person. We can recognize that someone’s behavior is unhealthy, make decisions to protect ourselves, and still treat that person with dignity and compassion.

Identifying Patterns Without Labeling People

Sadly, we often look only at people’s negative behavior as patterns. We then use that as evidence that a boundary or some other response is needed, and we see everything they do, even things completely unrelated to our situation, through the lens of this negative pattern. We often then tend to define that person by the label we have decided fits that pattern.

When we are looking for negative behaviors, we can easily fall into the trap of attributing motivations to that person’s actions or words that they had no intention of doing or saying and then holding them accountable for those motivations. Instead of saying, “That behavior came across as manipulative” we start to say, “That person is clearly a manipulator.” One describes how we interpreted an action based on how it affected us, while the other assigns an identity as though our interpretation were definitive.

When we define a person by a static label (“toxic,” “narcissist,” “manipulator,” “controlling,” etc.), we are at risk of dehumanizing them. We see them only as the label and not as a fallen, sinful human who may just be hurting or communicating poorly. We stop seeing them as an eternal being made in the image of Christ.

Labeling them can also risk closing ourselves off to the possibility of repair because we have decided who they are, rather than allowing room for the possibility they can grow or change. It allows us to present ourselves as the victim and them as the villain.

What starts as a desire for emotional safety can easily turn into self-righteous stonewalling. If we aren’t careful and discerning in the way we handle this, we can inadvertently cross the line into judging and condemning others, making a moral conclusion about them as a person.

Jesus doesn’t tell us to abandon discernment or ignore wrongdoing, but he does warn us against judging others while refusing to examine our own hearts. We cannot approach another person’s shortcomings with a sense of moral superiority while overlooking our own failures.

Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye?

You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

Matthew 7: 1-5

The Importance of Context

How much context should we consider before concluding that someone else’s behavior represents a problematic pattern?

Does a “pattern” mean something that has happened repeatedly in the current situation or should we consider the person’s entire history with us?

Context matters. If you find yourself in a conflict situation with someone who has always been rational, balanced, and wise, but they are suddenly responding with more emotion, louder tone, or harsher words, past interactions should be considered. Something about the current situation may have triggered an emotional response, or they may be dealing with circumstances you know nothing about.

Past positive behavior should inform our interpretation of and response to current behavior, but it shouldn’t automatically excuse harmful behavior.

Before jumping to the conclusion that this negative behavior you have seen more than once is a pattern that means you need to cut them off, stop and consider other interactions you have had with them. Consider what you know to be true about this person. Put yourself in their shoes and show a little grace and mercy.

Intent and Impact: Why Both Matter

There is a line of discernment in understanding if someone is explaining or excusing their behavior. They may honestly not have intended something the way you interpreted it, and allowing them space to state their intentions is not the same as enabling bad behavior. It can allow the opportunity for you to explain why you interpreted things the way you did. Just because someone says “that wasn’t my intention,” doesn’t mean they are defensive or dismissive. They may just be trying to clear up a misunderstanding.

Our intentions don’t always align with the impact of our actions. Someone may genuinely have no intention of hurting us, but that doesn’t mean their actions haven’t caused hurt. Likewise, acknowledging that we’ve been hurt doesn’t automatically mean we think the other person intended to hurt us.

Our interpretation of an experience is not necessarily an accurate reflection of another person’s intentions, thoughts, or motivations. We may be right in how we understood the situation, but we may also be missing context, misunderstanding what was communicated, or interpreting someone’s actions through the lens of our own past experiences. We can be certain someone’s actions hurt us without being certain why they acted that way. Recognizing this possibility doesn’t invalidate our feelings. It simply reminds us that our perspective, however genuine, isn’t the only perspective.

Many times, both people feel unheard, hurt, and can believe the other person is refusing to take accountability. Each may believe the other is being defensive or refusing to take responsibility, while neither fully recognizes how their own responses are contributing to the conflict.

When this happens, stepping back temporarily may give both people space to reflect, consider the other person’s perspective, and approach the situation differently. Rather than simply deciding the other person is unwilling to listen or change, we should also examine whether we are genuinely listening and willing to acknowledge our own contributions to the situation.

As discussed previously, we must be careful not to use the language of boundaries, emotional safety, or accountability to avoid examining our own behavior. Just as someone else’s repeated behavior can hurt us, our responses can hurt them. We cannot expect others to take responsibility for their actions while exempting ourselves from the same expectation. We also must be willing to hear that our words or actions have hurt someone, even when we didn’t intend for them to. Our good intentions don’t exempt us from acknowledging the impact of our behavior.

Coming back to have that difficult conversation whenever it is safe and appropriate can help us work through both intent and impact and start us on a path to peace.

Responding With Discernment and Grace

How do we decide what a proper response is to a troublesome behavior pattern?

I don’t think there is one correct answer to this. It depends on the relationship you have had with the person, the relationship you want to continue to have with the person both in the immediate and far future, and the severity of the behavior.

The response to an addiction to drugs or a truly abusive situation will be very different from the response to someone suddenly taking more of your time and capacity than they usually do. One may require an intervention to send the person to a rehab program; the other may just need more patience and time. In this article, I’m primarily considering the latter situation of a relational struggle, not an ongoing abusive situation or threat to your safety.

Many people will say to block the person or permanently cut them off, but we need to be very cautious when choosing this response as it can lead to more hurt, more confusion, and more division. We should be very careful about making permanent decisions in response to every disagreement, misunderstanding, or a period of difficult behavior.

Sometimes a temporary step back is enough. You might choose to limit communication, mute notifications, or establish specific times you are available to interact. These approaches can give you the space you need without immediately closing the door on a future healthy relationship.

When conflict arises, we should be careful not to make unilateral decisions about the future of a relationship based solely on our own interpretation of what happened. Not every relationship is one we can simply choose to end or walk away from (coworkers, fellow ministry members, family, or part of another shared community). Even when we cannot change the nature of the relationship, we can still establish boundaries around how we interact.

Sometimes both people are hurting, both feel misunderstood, and both believe the other needs to acknowledge their behavior. Simply blocking, walking away, or cutting off communication doesn’t resolve that kind of conflict. It may leave the other person more confused and hurt, without an opportunity to understand what happened or work toward peace.

Remember you are talking to another human being. Another eternal soul made in the image of God, but living in a fallen world. Remember to be kind and loving, no matter your response. The other person should know in your response that you still see them as a human being and as a brother or sister in Christ.

We have become accustomed to viewing relationships in extremes. That either someone has full access to our lives or they have no place in them at all. But relationships are more nuanced than that. We can change the nature of a relationship without completely eliminating it. We can establish boundaries without creating estrangement, and we can choose a different level of connection without treating someone as if they no longer matter.

Flipping the Script

When looking at patterns of behavior, I think we should not only be on alert for negative patterns, but also looking for positive patterns of behavior in others. We don’t necessarily need to go to the extreme of Pollyanna’s “Glad Game,” but intentionally shifting our focus to see the good in others could radically transform our relationships and mental health.

Shifting to looking for positive patterns doesn’t mean to ignore genuine red flags or pretend harmful behavior isn’t happening. It’s about balance, refusing to let a single bad interaction or a short series of bad interactions destroy a long history of goodness. It opens the door for repair and peace.

No one is perfect, and there are evil people in this world. All of us are sinners, and everyone struggles and sins, but true believers are growing in Christlikeness. That growth doesn’t mean we will never make mistakes or hurt others, but it should be reflected in the patterns of our lives.

We as humans are really good at looking for the negative. This can lead to a negativity bias and anxiety.

As you start looking for positive patterns in others, this can shift your bias, and you start seeing their kindness and growth. It can reduce your anxiety of constantly trying to determine if the other person is out to get you.

When you intentionally look for positive patterns, you become less likely to reduce people to labels based solely on their negative behavior. You can recognize their mistakes without allowing those mistakes to define them, while still acknowledging when there is a recurring issue that needs to be addressed.

When you acknowledge someone’s positive patterns and recognize their growth, you can help create an environment where they feel safer admitting their faults. It opens the door for genuine conflict resolution in times of misunderstanding.

By actively looking for the good in others, we stop treating the people in our lives as problems to be managed and start treating them as human beings capable of growth. We stop seeing their mistakes as their defining characteristics and encourage them to grow in Christ.

Before looking for patterns in others, though, we should start by examining ourselves:

• What patterns of behavior do others consistently experience from me?
• Do I acknowledge my words or actions have hurt someone, even when that wasn’t my intention?
• Am I willing to hear a perspective different from my own?
• Do I extend the same grace to others that I expect them to extend to me?
• Am I more likely to remember someone’s failures or their kindness?

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

-Hebrews 10:24-25

Conclusion

The next time you find yourself evaluating someone’s behavior, take a moment to consider the whole picture. Are you recognizing a genuine pattern or allowing a few painful interactions to define your perception of someone? Are you extending the same grace you hope to receive? Are you paying as much attention to the good as you are to the bad?

Boundaries and grace aren’t opposing forces. We can acknowledge unhealthy patterns, recognize our own limitations in navigating them, and still choose to see others through the lens of Christ. We are all works in progress, and we all need a little grace along the way.