Boundaries and Self-Examination

Today, I’m continuing some thoughts and questions on boundaries. I’ve discussed some foundations as well as how communication and boundaries can work together. Today, I want to look into whether or not our perceived needs for boundaries may actually be a prompting of something we need to work on in ourselves.

Feeling frustrated, angry, hurt, or uncomfortable doesn’t always mean a boundary is necessary. I’m going to list out some of the questions I’ve been wrestling through first and then look at some of the biblical principles that help give us discernment in these situations.

Questions

• So, how do we determine whether the behavior that bothers us is actually something that needs a boundary instead of an indicator of a need for self-improvement?
• Can setting a boundary become a way of avoiding personal growth or self-examination?
• What if our discomfort with someone else’s behavior is exposing our own insecurity, expectations, sensitivity, or unhealthy patterns?
• How do we distinguish between protecting ourselves from genuinely harmful behavior and simply avoiding something that is an invitation for our own growth?

Look at Yourself First

Humans are very good at analyzing someone else’s behavior and coming up with excuses like, “If he hadn’t disrespected me, I wouldn’t have had to be disrespectful back to him.” We allow ourselves to think this is self-examination. Instead, maybe we should be evaluating how we contributed or where we failed in the situation.

We can’t control another person’s behavior, thoughts, or words. We can only control our own. Evaluate yourself and establish what is in your control before pointing fingers at the other person.

Take the time to examine your own heart and motivation in the situation. Pray like David:

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

Psalm 139:23-24

Don’t Deceive Yourself

Be honest and humble enough with yourself to do the work of self-examination. If that examination never results in any willingness to change our behavior, motives, communication, or expectations, we may not be being very honest with ourselves.

But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.

James 1:22-25

I used to read this passage and think it was like someone looking in a mirror and then forgetting he had something in his teeth or that his hair was unkempt, simply that something is wrong with his appearance. Now as I evaluate it, I think that’s only part of it. It also is like someone looking in a mirror and then forgetting where his nose and eyes are in relation to one another or if he is tall or short, what he actually looks like. When we look into God’s Word, we see our nature, our true sinful nature, and over time, we see how God through our obedience changes us and forms us into His image. This takes humility and honesty.

Don’t Assume Your Interpretation is Correct

Because every person comes from a different background and perspective, they may not interpret the situation the same way you do. As I discussed last week, communication can be a great tool in working through this.

If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.

Proverbs 18:13

Ask yourself what happened, and separate the actions and words from how you interpreted them. Ask if there is anything that contradicts your interpretation and if there is another possible way to interpret the actions and words. There may not be, but it is worth evaluating to make sure we are thinking the truth about the other person.

• Is someone controlling you, or are they genuinely trying to understand?
• Are they manipulating, or are they hurt and communicating poorly?
• Are they disrespecting you, or do they have a different understanding of what constitutes respectful disagreement?
• Are they being intrusive or are they used to using personal questions to communicate care?
• Are they making the conversation all about them or are they using a personal example to try to show understanding and empathy?

Examine Whether Your Discomfort is Exposing Something in You

God calls us to examine ourselves before we discuss another person’s behavior with them. You can only truly help or correct someone after you have honestly dealt with your own personal shortcomings.

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

Matthew 7:3-5

We are quick to jump to the conclusion that the other person’s behavior is the problem without honestly examining our own conduct, motives, expectations, or contributions. Sometimes the reason another person’s behavior bothers us is it is touching on something we know we need to change, and that change is uncomfortable.

But Don’t Use the Self-examination as an Excuse to Ignore Someone Else’s Behavior

Sometimes, the other person does need to be told or confronted about their behavior. In today’s society, we have come to see confronting someone else as a bad thing, but it’s really approaching them in a loving way to let them know how they are being perceived and giving them the chance to do their own self-evaluation.

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Galatians 6:1-2

This passage comes directly after the list of the fruit of the Spirit, so it is connecting this kind of restoration with walking by the Spirit and the fruit produced by the Spirit. Paul here encourages us to humbly and gently point others to ways they are not obeying Christ or exhibiting behavior that could be interpreted as harmful.

We don’t have to wait for the other person to go see a counselor or therapist. There are certainly situations where professional counseling or specialized help is appropriate, but that does not mean ordinary Christians are incapable or exempted from lovingly addressing sin or harmful behavior with one another.

Conclusion

So, how do we determine whether the behavior that bothers us is actually something that needs a boundary instead of an indicator of a need for self-evaluation?

Sometimes, the answer is both.

Before setting a boundary, consider:

• What did I observe, and what did I assume?
• Could my interpretation be incorrect?
• Have I examined my own heart for areas I need to change?
• What is actually my responsibility and what belongs to the other person?
• If a boundary is still necessary, what response is proportionate?