Boundaries and Communication

Most boundary books I have read seem to miss a crucial part of the process: communication. They may touch on it briefly, but rarely give much time to the benefits of having a difficult, but healthy, conversation.

On the flip side, most communication books I’ve read don’t really discuss boundaries much at all, either.

But, these two concepts are really both necessary for relationships to be healthy and thrive. The disparity in the books has me asking a few questions about boundaries and communication, especially as they apply to normally healthy relationships.

Communication Helps

Can a boundary be appropriate if it was never preceded by a meaningful conversation?

It really depends on the nature of the situation. Because every person is different, the other person very likely has a different view of their behavior. As a general rule, it’s best to kindly, gently communicate what behavior you find bothersome and work with the other person to find ways to manage it.

It’s also good to listen to each other, to understand each other’s perspectives, and to try to keep any decisions you make from inadvertently harming the other person or crushing their spirit.

Know what you want to say, keep the conversation simple and limited to one or two main concerns, and allow room for questions and clarification.

If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame. A man’s spirit will endure sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?

Proverbs 18:13-14

Communication Can Provide New Information

If the person had been given an opportunity to explain themselves, or if both people had communicated differently, would the boundary have been necessary at all?

How often have we heard stories of people who chose to block someone else or step far away only to learn later, even years later, that the way they had perceived that other person’s behavior was inaccurate? Or stories of people jumping to conclusions because of something they saw or heard?

How many relationships have been destroyed because people didn’t have the right conversation?

Having those difficult conversations and choosing to listen to each other can make a world of difference in how we choose to respond.

The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.

Proverbs 18:17

Discernment

How do you know whether someone purposefully disrespected you, or whether there was simply a misunderstanding that could have been resolved through communication?

It takes time and patience to discern if someone is intentionally being disrespectful or just misunderstanding you. Having a conversation with them is one way to get the information you need to make a discerning decision. If you never have that conversation, or even several conversations, you may never know if they just misunderstood.

Generally speaking, someone who simply misunderstood will seek resolution and clarity once they are aware of the miscommunication. They will try to adapt where they can so their behavior is less bothersome. It may take several months for them to develop new habits, or it may be something they are unable to change completely.

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.

Matthew 18:15-16

Conclusion

Before setting a boundary, consider:

• What actually happened?
• What did I observe, and what did I assume?
• Have I heard the other person’s perspective?
• Have I clearly communicated what is bothering me? Have they put it in their own words so I know I communicated clearly?
• Is this a misunderstanding that could have been resolved through conversation?
• What responsibility do I have toward the other person?
• If a boundary is still necessary, what response is proportionate?