Boundary Foundations

Recently, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and researching about boundaries in general. There is a lot of information out there and not all of it agrees. This has led me to start asking a lot of questions about what boundaries actually entail and what they look like for a Christian. I won’t be able to address all of my questions in this article but plan on addressing over a series of articles.

Boundaries seem fairly simple at first, but the more I’ve learned, the more I’ve realized how simple they are in principle but complicated in application and that there can be a ripple effect of consequences to those boundaries that may not be visible until years later.

Respecting One Another

One of the core foundational pieces to establishing and maintaining boundaries is remembering that we are all fallen, sinful humans who struggle to make good choices, but we are also eternal beings made in the image of God so it matters how we treat one another even when maintaining boundaries. We don’t want to make another person feel small or unloved in the process of maintaining our boundaries. We still have an obligation to respect their humanity, even if we no longer respect their character.

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”  To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.”  Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

-Romans 12:18-21

What are boundaries?

Healthy boundaries aren’t simply about deciding what other people are no longer allowed to do to us, but about honestly examining what happened, communicating clearly, taking responsibility for our own part, considering the impact of our choices, and determining what response is actually necessary and proportionate. They are more about our responses than the behaviors or situations themselves.

Boundaries are not about controlling or changing another person. They are not always about access, though that can be a type of response. They aren’t a threat or punishment, even though sometimes consequences must be enforced.

Boundaries are part of collection of concepts:

• Preference: What I would like
• Request: Something I ask another person to do, they decide
• Boundary: What I will do in response to a situation
• Demand: A request backed by an expectation that the other person must comply and implies no is not an acceptable response
• Control: Attempting to make another person behave according to my wishes

Can you actually violate someone else’s boundary?

If a boundary really is more about my response than the other person’s behavior, can someone else actually violate my boundary? Technically, no.

Another person’s behavior doesn’t determine whether or not you maintain your boundary. Someone can still act in a way you feel is disrespectful, inconsiderate, or unwanted. You determine what you do in response to their behavior.

We often use the phrase “They violated my boundaries” as a way to express dislike or discomfort with the way another person is behaving. We need to be careful this doesn’t become a validation for responding in excessive ways that are disproportionate to their initial behavior.

Determining Appropriate Boundaries

When working through the appropriate response, carefully review the situation:

• What happened?
• What did I observe?
• What did I infer?
• What did I feel?
• What did I conclude?
• What evidence supports or contradicts my conclusions, feelings, and thoughts?
• What responsibility do I have toward the other person?
• What boundary should I establish, if any?
• What response is proportionate?

Our boundaries should not prevent us from being able to lift the other person up and encourage them to grow in grace and Christlikeness.

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works,

-Hebrews 10:24

Forgiveness vs. Access

I’ve seen recently on social media the idea that forgiveness doesn’t equal renewed access. This is true, but I feel it’s a bit limiting.

You can forgive someone and not resume the same relationship you had before, but it doesn’t mean you no longer have meaningful interactions with that person.

Forgiveness is releasing your claim to vengeance and not holding on to the offense as a debt.

Reconciliation is restoring some sort of relationship or starting to rebuild trust.

Loss of access doesn’t have to mean complete disconnect from the other person. You can still function with that other person without renewing a relationship with them. Ending a relationship is not necessarily the same thing as treating someone as though they no longer exist.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

-Ephesians 4:31-32

Conclusion

As simple as boundaries being “no means no” may sound at first, sometimes that “no” carries a heavier weight, and we have to be cautious to set boundaries in a loving way.

There can be a lot to consider when we get to the point where we need to communicate our boundaries with others. Always remember the other person has a different viewpoint, life experience, and challenges.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13:4-6