Responding With Discernment

One of life’s greatest challenges is learning how to respond in different situations, especially situations where our words and actions can affect the emotional or spiritual well-being of others. When we have conflicts, struggles, or disagreements, emotions tend to rise and discernment disappears.

In today’s culture, we are trained to react and do so quickly. But that isn’t always the best choice. We must respond in a way that best reflects love, wisdom, truth, and the goal of the relationship(s). Sometimes the wisest choice is to remain silent, but other times it is best to speak up. It takes discernment to know the difference.

Discernment is something we trust God for as we grow in Him and learn His ways.

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.
-James 1:5

Discernment Begins With a Pause

In heated situations, it’s often best to take a short step back and pause. Let the emotions settle and give yourself time to think clearly. It’s not an avoidance, but an intentional space to choose how best to respond next.

During this pause, we can take some time to gather our thoughts and evaluate the situation. We can ask questions like What am I feeling? What actually happened? What assumptions am I making? What evidence supports or contradicts my feelings and thoughts? or What outcome am I hoping for?

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;  for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. 
-James 1:19-20

What is Actually Happening

We evaluate the situation to separate facts, interpretations, emotions, and assumptions. For example, someone may have slammed the door in your face. You can interpret that as anger or an accident. Perhaps they had grease on their hands and the door slipped. Separating our initial interpretation from the fact of what happened is key in developing a wise response.

Taking this step back to pause before responding helps us not respond in anger, but in a way that is helpful for all parties involved. Remember that there are at least two perspectives in every situation, but perspectives are not necessarily facts. Don’t rush to judgment until you have heard the other person out after the pause.

The one who states his case first seems right,
    until the other comes and examines him.
-Proverbs 18:17

Own Your Responsibility

Knowing what parts you are responsible for takes wisdom and maturity. Owning what you did wrong, what you can correct, what you need to communicate, what you need to forgive, and what you cannot control is a key part of any conflict resolution.

You can’t control another person. You aren’t responsible for how they choose to interpret your actions and words. You aren’t responsible for how they choose to respond. You can only take responsibility for your own choices, actions, responses, and words.

Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper,
    but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.
-Proverbs 28:13

Determine Your Goals

Before you respond, know what your primary goal is for the conversation. Don’t just ask what you want to say, but what do you want to accomplish?

One practical resource that has helped me think through this is Crucial Conversations by Joseph Grenny, et al. It’s not based in Scripture, but offers really good practical advice for how to handle these difficult conversations, including how to discern your goal.

Healthy goals would be to gain clarity, to understand, to protect a relationship, to establish a necessary boundary, to address harm, or to restore. Unhealthy goals would be to win, to prove ourselves right, to force an apology, or to release anger.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
-Philippians 2:3-4

What, How, and When

After you have taken some time to evaluate the situation and your goal going forward, you can determine what you want to say, how you want to say it, and when you should say it.

The response may involve listening to the other person’s perspective, asking for clarification, addressing the issue directly, seeking forgiveness, or calmly asking them to hear your perspective and allowing them space to ask questions or address concerns with you. There isn’t one set formula, and part of discernment is recognizing which response is the most appropriate.

Choose your words carefully. Be careful not to attack or accuse. Focus on behaviors, not the person. Be direct without being harsh, honest but not cruel, firm but not aggressive, and gentle but not evasive. Avoid using absolute statements or emotional language.

Reach out to the other person to ask if they are willing to get together. Make sure you are emotionally regulated enough for the conversation. Choose the proper setting and location. Bring in a third party if necessary, and if the other person agrees. Together, you can choose someone who is mature and trustworthy and who will listen to both perspectives.

Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.
-Colossians 4:6

Wisdom is Knowing What Love Requires

Biblical communication isn’t just about saying the “right” words, but about understanding what is best for all parties involved. Discernment asks what truth, love, wisdom, and the health of the relationship require.

Sometimes it’s patience and silence, sometimes it’s courage and open conversation
Sometimes it’s pursuing reconciliation, sometimes it’s establishing a boundary.

The goal is not to avoid or escalate conflict, but to respond in a way that honors God and reflects Christ. We can discern the right response, but we can’t guarantee the other person will respond well.

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.  If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
-Romans 12:17-18

He has told you, O man, what is good;
    and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
    and to walk humbly with your God?
-Micah 6:8

Discernment is the wisdom to recognize not only what is true, but what response is needed, when it is needed, and how it should be communicated.