Prefer to Listen?
Have you ever been in a conversation where someone asks a philosophical or ice-breaker type question, and everyone else in the group acts like it’s a standard and logical question, but you don’t understand it?
This happened to me a few years ago. I was at a small group women’s Bible study, and someone in the group asked, “are you guys more a love person or a truth person?” Everyone else went around the group stating how they viewed themselves, but I was completely lost. When it was my turn to share, I had to ask for clarification.
The group described being a love person as someone who is gentle and tries to soften the blow of difficult news while a truth person is more direct and harsh.
The more I think about this question, the more I think it is a well-intentioned, but perhaps misguided dilemma that isn’t really a dilemma at all. What if separating truth and love is actually what creates harm in our relationships?
Truth in Love
Ephesians 4:15 calls us to, “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,” but it doesn’t present truth and love as opposites, but as partners heading the same direction.
In the context of Ephesians 4:15, Paul is urging the church in Ephesus to maturity, unity of faith, and to stand firm in their doctrine.
Most commentators and Bible studies point to the fact that if we truly love someone we will speak the truth to them, but we will do it in a kind and compassionate way.
You can tell the truth without love, but you can’t love without the truth.
As believers, it is paramount for us to develop these skills. Learning them helps maintain unity and maturity in ourselves, our relationships, and the church.
What Does this Look Like?
We learn these skills through understanding and learning what speaking the truth in love looks like and practicing it in our daily conversations. Speaking the truth in love is not innate in anyone.
Speaking the truth in love involves:
- Communicating honest, hard, or corrective truths with the goal of building up the other person.
- Coming from a place of genuine love and humility, not to condemn, embarrass, or overpower.
- Using thoughtful, patient language that reflects compassion and care for their wellbeing.
- Combining gentle encouragement with firm truth, without malice.
- Knowing when the listener is ready to hear the message.
- Making sure we understand the situation fully before speaking.
It is not avoiding hard topics, “sugarcoating” the difficult points, or aggressively presenting your perspective. The goal is to discuss the truth in a way that respects the other person.
The Danger of Choice
Presenting love or truth as a choice for people can lead to unresolved conflict, unaddressed problems, and division. Relationships quietly drift apart, issues grow instead of heal, and people walk away.
The “truth person” justifies their aggression by saying, “the truth will set you free,” when they never stopped to really consider the other person’s perspective. They feel rejected or dismissed when the “love person” leaves the conversation.
The “love person” justifies their timidity by saying, “I was just letting love cover a multitude of sins,” when really those issues were things that needed to be addressed. They feel attacked when the “truth person” says it like they see it.
Crucial Conversations
The authors of the book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High discuss this dichotomy as “The Fool’s Choice.” In difficult, crucial moments, we often feel we must “choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend” or between candor and kindness. They then spend the rest of the book explaining how to look for a third option that is 100 percent honest and 100 percent respectful.
The “fool’s choice” is really just a rewording of this same false dilemma. It comes down to a thinking issue that becomes a communication issue.
Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
I highly recommend this book for its practical advice and guidance on how to handle difficult conversations in a way that balances truth and love. I won’t rehash the entire book here, but It has helped me see where I have made mistakes in the past so I can change and grow for the future.
Fueling the Engine
If this really is a false choice, both practically and biblically, then maybe there’s a better way to think about how truth and love work together. Perhaps the problem is that we have redefined both truth and love, making them opposite sides of the same coin instead of love being the engine and truth being the fuel.
Love is the engine. It is a self-sacrificial desire for the best for the other person. It dictates how truth is delivered: with humility and kindness. Without love, truth can be cold and harsh.
Truth is the fuel. It is the necessary, often complicated and challenging content that fosters growth. It is the power behind love. Without truth, love becomes just sentimental, fostering mediocrity or enabling harmful behavior.
Truth and Love in Unity
It’s not about choosing gentleness over aggression, but choosing our words carefully to bring about maturity and restoration.
Truth is harsh without love, and love is shallow without truth. Together, they demonstrate the balance of grace and truth in communication taught throughout Scripture.
Maybe the issue isn’t choosing between truth and love, but recognizing that when both are fully present, they don’t contradict. They clarify. When we begin to see that clearly, and practice this in our lives, it changes not just how we speak, but how we understand one another.
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