Prefer to Listen?
A carpet installer was just finishing up a residential job when he stood to grab a smoke. Realizing his cigarettes were not in his pocket, he looked down to see a small lump in the freshly installed carpet. Not wanting to redo all of that work just for a pack of cigarettes, he stomped the lump flat.
The homeowner then walks in with a pack of cigarettes and asked if they were his. Before he could answer, the homeowner’s daughter comes in and asks, “Mommy, have you seen my hamster?”
The carpet installer looks down slowly at the floor and realizes the horrible mistake he has made.
It’s a ridiculous scene from an anti-smoking commercial, but it also illustrates a serious truth: we don’t always know what we have swept under the rug.
Conflict avoidance often works in this same way. We see the lump. We suspect something is wrong. Instead of lifting the carpet to determine the actual problem, we stomp on it and hope that it goes away.
Healthy relationships require courage and humility to face uncomfortable truth.
Why avoidance feels easier in the moment
People avoid conflict for many different reasons. Some are afraid of hurting others’ feelings. Others are unable to handle the emotional discomfort of escalation. And other people think that conflict avoidance is just the nice, mature thing to do.
Stepping away from a tough conversation, blocking someone to end a conflict, or just ignoring and ghosting the other person feels good in the moment because it provides an immediate sense of relief from the anxiety and discomfort caused by that conflict. It can give you a temporary sense of safety, using the natural flight response to escape harm.
It might keep others happy for a time, and it does ease the discomfort and cognitive load of a complex situation.
Avoiding conflict can make you look and feel like a peacekeeper and diplomat. But we are warned in Proverbs 27:6 that “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” A true friend will deal with the difficult things instead of just telling you what you want to hear or ignoring the difficult conversations.
Avoidance doesn’t remove the problem. It just hides it under the carpet.
Unaddressed Issues Fester
There can be times where it is better to just let something slide and let time take care of things, but that approach is best saved for minor, trivial issues where both of you agree to that response. If we try that approach for every conflict, we will find ourselves causing more damage in the long run.
If you feel like something is trivial, but the other person keeps pursuing conversation, it likely means that the issue is bigger to them. Granting that conversation for their sake, even if you feel it is not necessary or overkill, shows genuine care for that other person and is likely the best way to fully resolve the disagreement.
Unaddressed issues may grow slowly, but the longer time goes by, the bigger the issues become. Often what ends up happening is after some time, a major trigger happens and all of the unaddressed issues come out at once, demanding equal attention and resolution.
Those small issues can also turn into resentment and misunderstanding. Trust gets broken and relationships fall apart. They become like a destructive cancer within the relationship.
Paul reminds us that we should be “speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ…let each of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger…be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4: 15, 25-26, 32) It’s best to lovingly deal with the issues as quickly as possible so we can live out the forgiveness of Christ.
The longer the lump sits there, the bigger it gets…and it tends to collect other lumps.
The Harm of Avoidance
Many compassionate and highly empathetic people avoid conflict to feel like they are maintaining the peace. But the silence often leads to confusion, relational distance, and bigger fights later.
Ironically, honest conflict handled well is usually kinder than avoidance.
Peace is not absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means. – Ronald Reagan
Matthew 5: 23-24 encourages swift resolution, even to handle issues before worship, “So, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the alter and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”
Avoiding conflict often harms the very people we are trying to protect. In stomping on the lump in the carpet, we usually hurt or destroy someone else.
Healthy Conflict Requires Humility
The correct response to the lump in the carpet is simple: lift the carpet.
Yes, it will take more work, but the easy solution often is not the best solution.
Resolving conflict in a healthy way involves active listening, empathy, and working together to choose the correct approach and solution. It requires setting aside our pride and need to be right.
Active listening may look like:
- I might be misunderstanding this. Can I put this in my own words to make sure?
- Can you help me understand what happened from your perspective?
- What about that action really bothers you?
Trying to seek the truth and understanding how the other person is viewing things keeps us from crushing the problem, or them.
James reminds us where our conflict and quarrels come from: our selfishness. “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?” Understanding this helps keep conflict focused on the problem, not the other person.
A Conflict Resolution Process
Many experts have identified a simple process for handling conflict in a healthy way:
- Identify the cause: if you don’t know what you are fighting about, you can’t properly resolve the issue.
- Agree on a time and place to discuss the issue privately and calmly.
- Listen and clarify, allowing both sides to speak without interruption and asking clarifying questions where necessary.
- Brainstorm solutions together with a focus on long-term resolution with mutually beneficial outcomes.
- Agree on the action steps to achieve the resolution and establish check ins to ensure all continues to go well.
Romans 12:17-21 offers sage advice for handling conflict, “Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’ To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good”
Resolve Conflict, Don’t Avoid It
Healthy relationships are not defined by the absence of conflict, but by the willingness to work through it.
When conflict arises in a relationship, don’t stomp the carpet flat.
Lift the corner.
The truth underneath may be uncomfortable, but it’s far better than discovering later that you crushed something that mattered.
If you’re curious about the scene that inspired the carpet illustration, here’s the ad:
Next time you need to deal with a lump in the carpet of a relationship, don’t stomp it flat. Lift the corner.
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