Breaking the Blame Cycle

We are quick to spot the faults in others, and point them out, before taking responsibility for our own faults. This tendency rears up its head especially in times of conflict.

But when we need to resolve that conflict, where exactly does the blame game get us? Not very far.

When we fail to take responsibility for how we contributed to the situation, and only ask that the other person admit their responsibility, we will never truly resolve the conflict. Yes, there are times when one person bears more responsibility than the other, and there can be power imbalances, but very rarely is there a conflict where only one party contributed to the situation.

In conversations to resolve conflicts, both (or all) parties must be willing to admit their failures and mistakes. This can be on a personal level or a professional level. Sometimes, it’s better to focus on a solution rather than determining what miscommunication started the whole mess.

For example, a construction project manager receives a change order from the vendor for new high-end flooring on one of the projects. When the project manager goes to the customer, they don’t know where this change order came from. They point to the vendor who points to the subcontractor who points to another party. Focusing on where the discrepancy came from will never help decide if that new flooring actually needs to be ordered and installed, and digging in deeper just delays the project further.

On a personal level, you and a friend get in a fight over some difference of opinion. Words are tossed around and emotions run high. Things get misunderstood and misinterpreted. When you finally get to trying to resolve the matter, you say that your intended message was to try to find a balanced approach on the matter, but your friend says, “That’s not what I heard” to try to force you to take their perspective. Things then escalate again and you end up in a “he said, she said” battle of wills and statements. If someone doesn’t break the cycle, the conflict may never get resolved and what started as a small, petty matter ends up separating good friends.

Saying things like, “That’s not what I heard” to try to force someone to take another’s perspective negates one person’s perspective rather than exploring meaning to try to find resolution.

Blame-shifting just delays resolution.

• It triggers defensiveness which will likely lead to more arguments and eventually shut down.
• It shifts the focus of the conversation from solutions to finding fault.
• It can create a culture of fear, with people choosing to try to hide their mistakes without working through them.
• It also breaks trust and can foster feelings of resentment and emotional distress.
• In the end, it just adds to the conflict instead of helping work towards resolution.

Blame-shifting is the easy way out. This isn’t a new problem. Matthew 7:1-5 reminds us:

Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

A much better way to approach the conversations to resolve the conflict would be to start with your responsibility. Admit the mistakes you made and apologize for them. Recognize the unintended impact your words or actions may have had on the other person. Show empathy and ask questions. Listen to their responses so you can meaningfully contribute to the conversation and resolution.

Hopefully, they will do the same, but if they don’t, remember that doesn’t mean that you are to blame for their mistakes. Don’t let them try to get you to think that they only responded the way they did “because you did xyz.” They are still responsible for their actions and words. They are responsible for their responses. If they do not approach the situation with humility and a recognition of their own responsibility, that is something they need to work out and more telling of them than of you. Your responsibility now is to forgive and pray that God will soften their heart.

Stop the finger pointing. Stop the blame-shifting.

Even if it isn’t reciprocated.